Karl and Carl’s road to becoming parents was a roller coaster experience. They booked their first donor in late 2008 and it took a full year and a half, and three donors by the time everything was said and done, for their twin boys to make their debut. Throughout it all they remained positive, flexible and committed to making their dreams of parenthood a reality. A big CONGRATULATIONS from everybody here at BHED!
Posts Tagged ‘ivf cycle’
Bonding
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010Below is our final topic in Brenda Fahn-Hardt’s series of discussions for Intended Parents. Thank you, Brenda, for all of your contributions over the past few weeks!
Will I Feel Bonded to My Child?
One fear that intended parents sometimes bring up is that they may not feel as connected or bonded to their child because they used an egg donor. I don’t think I have encountered any cases that substantiate this fear, but of course it is a valid concern. I tell intended parents that they may be more prepared to handle their child than parents who have biological children. Biological parents many times assume that they will understand their 
child, yet each child is unique and may or many not resemble their biological parents either. The key to parenting is to be attuned to who your child is. When you enter the world of parenthood, it is a daily challenge to let go of who you think your child “should” be and accept them for who they are. A daily lesson as a parent is to listen and accept your child for who he/she is. If you can do that there is no doubt that you will feel connected to your child.
Beverly Hills Egg Donation Staff Psychotherapist
Meeting the Donor
Monday, May 17th, 2010Part 3 in Brenda Fahn-Hardt’s informal discussion for Intended Parents.
Meeting the Donor? There is No Right Choice.
At some point during the egg donor process most parents consider whether or not they should meet their egg donor. There is no right or wrong answer to this question. Each case is different and depends on the intentions and expectations of the intended parents. If their expectations seem reasonable and realistic, then meeting the egg donor can turn into a very positive experience. Most of the time intended parents want to be able to meet their donor so that they have the option of telling their child at a later date. Statistically, only about 20% of intended parents choose to meet their donor. If you intend to tell your child that they were conceived with an egg donor and you want to tell your child something about the donor, then meeting would likely be a positive experience. Many times parents to not have an interest in, or feel comfortable, meeting their donor, which of course should always be respected. Each situation is different.
Beverly Hills Egg Donation Staff Psychotherapist
Choosing an Egg Donor
Thursday, May 13th, 2010Part two in our series of discussions on psychological issues for Intended Parents.
Choosing a Donor
Once intended parents have made the decision to use an egg donor, anxiety can arise surrounding the donor choice. Every intended parent usually approaches the issue with ‘preconceived’ criteria for choosing their ‘perfect’ candidate – beyond the standard medical screening that is done, scholastics, personality, and appearance are usually at the top of their list. I empathize with individuals and couples as to how difficult it is to make such a big decision. It is important to remember that there is no rush in choosing a donor. It takes time to find the right match. Whatever the intended parents are looking for, I encourage them to get as much information as possible from their egg donation agency regarding their donor, while also trying not to ‘over-control’ the situation. Once one feels they have made the best decision, according to the information they have, then the challenge can be trying letting go. There are no guarantees in life, all of us who are parents usually begrudgingly learn that a lot more of life is out of our control than we would like. Parenting is about being able to handle all the imperfections that come with a child, whether you have your child through an egg donor or not. When couples do have difficulty containing their anxiety during this process therapy can help.
As the ’screening’ psychotherapist, my process is analytical and involves assessing the donor for her maturity and ability to follow through with the process, as well as the presence of any major psycho-pathology (i.e. personality or mood disorders). An interview and psychological test are used to check for either of the two preceding elements.
- Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT
Beverly Hills Egg Donation Staff Psychotherapist
An Informal Discussion on Psychological Issues for Intended Parents
Tuesday, May 11th, 2010
The following is the first in a series of postings from Beverly Hills Egg Donation staff psychotherapist, Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT. Brenda comes to us with years of experience working exclusively with donors and couples dealing with infertility issues. In this, and in posts to come, she will address some of the most common psychological and emotional issues that come up in her work with Intended Parents.
Intended parents usually come to infertility services after spending years on an emotional roller-coaster. There are several emotional and psychological issues that intended parents typically encounter during this process. The ones that I encounter most in my practice are 1) Dealing with the grief of not being able to conceive your own biological child 2) The anxiety associated with choosing a donor 3) Deciding whether to meet the donor during the process 4) Fears of not being bonded or connected to your child and 4) Deciding if, when and how to reveal to your child that an egg donor was used in their conception.
Grieving
The journey to the infertility option can be arduous for most couples. The realization that you are unable to conceive without the assistance of a third party can be internalized in numerous ways – the most common emotions are feelings of failure, inadequacy, humility and anger. When couples arrive at an infertility office, frequently they have not dealt with the trauma and pain that usually exists. I always encourage couples to experience their unresolved grief before getting too far down the road in the process. However, in many instances, because couples have been waiting years to conceive a child, they often feel compelled to jump into the next stage without processing their feelings. It is common for couples to get caught up in the frenzy of doctor’s offices, tests, shots and drugs while neglecting to take a step back and let oneself absorb and process the grief.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote the classic treatise on dealing with grief. In her seminal work, she identifies the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In a perfect world, an individual would experience these stages sequentially. Yet, each of us approaches life’s complications in our own way. The process becomes inherently more complicated when dealing with two individuals simultaneously, given the complicated dynamics of relationships in general. It takes an enormous amount of patience and understanding to respect and understand your partner’s process. Therefor I encourage couples to attend support groups and couple’s therapy to assist them through the grieving process.
The goal in the last stage of the grief process is acceptance. Acceptance can take on different outcomes for different couples (or single parents). The one constant is the reality that one is unable to conceive his/her own biological child. When one comes to this acceptance, there are different paths from which to choose – using an egg donor and/or surrogate, adopting a child or choosing not to have a child. Whichever path is chosen, you want to be confident about your decision and optimistic about your future.
- Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT
The Not-So Drawn Out Blood Draw
Wednesday, January 20th, 2010The post below comes to us from Diana, a two-time previous donor who is also a staff member at Beverly Hills Egg Donation. To read her first entry, dealing with overcoming her anxiety about self-injections, click here.
Now, let’s get on to the business of having blood drawn during your cycle. Sure, I recently discovered it’s a piece of cake to have a needle in my skin for a second during an injection, but what about a needle being nestled into my vein for more than a minute as my precious life force is drained from my body into a cold heartless vial? This would be tricky. For those of you who hate having blood drawn, you are not alone. I was the girl who broke into a cold sweat, literally soaking my shirt the minute I sat in the strange school-desk chair, oddly appropriate as I would often be having an internal fit reminiscent of a 2nd grader, and was handed that ball to squeeze. I hadn’t had blood taken in so long (and hardly remember the last go around after having fainted). They call my name. I walk over to what is referred to as the (ahem, cough, swallow) “Blood Station” with my iPod earphones in.
My deer in the headlights look is greeted by the kindest pair of eyes I’ve ever seen. These eyes belong to Raul, the Phlebotomist. He seems to notice my unease, perhaps my clenched fists and general lack of breathing or blinking, and says “I take it you’re not a fan of having your blood drawn?” To which I say “Not a fan at all, maybe even a heckler” as a strange trail of nervous giggles leaks out of my clenched jaw. I try to make jokes when I’m nervous, also to downplay how incredibly frightened I am, they’re also usually really horrible jokes as demonstrated. But for some reason, Raul’s warm presence had me feel it was okay to just come clean, “I’m actually terrified of having my blood drawn. In fact, it’s the only thing I’m afraid of. Some people fear car accidents, life failure, earthquakes. I fear sitting in that chair. I usually pass out or vomit either before, during or after having my blood drawn. In fact, I’ve avoided doing it for several years because I’m always so embarrassed by my fainting or throwing up.” Wow, thanks for the biopic, Barbara Walters. Raul is not at all put off by this, in fact, he appears to find this honesty refreshingly charming (this is what I tell myself after feeling like I just shared some sort of Judy Blume confessional diary entry). He’s not looking at me like the high-maintenance mess that’s about to make his job a huge pain. He puts his hand on my shoulder and says, “I’m really good, you won’t feel a thing. Let’s have you lie down.” I lay down and already feel 100 times better than I usually did in the chair. I say, “Raul, I’m going to turn my music up really loud while you do this.” He smiles and says, “No problem, do what you have to do.” I turn on my music and the next thing I know Raul is telling me it’s over. I couldn’t believe it. I sat up and almost cried. ”You’re the best Raul! The best! You’re the fastest blood-taker in the west! You’re a blood-taking ninja!” Raul was laughing, I was laughing. It was a regular feel good Who’s the Boss episode where Raul lovingly pats me on the head and calls me “Saman-ta”.
So what made this go-around so different than previous blood draws? Quite simply, being open and honest with the Phlebotomist about my fear. For so long I had tried to”hide” it, as I was painfully embarrassed that a woman my age couldn’t handle what, in the grand scheme of things, is such a simple thing to do. Come to think of it, after voicing my fear, I immediately had a sense of relief. That seems to be true for most things in life, I suppose. We often make ourselves so uncomfortable trying to cover up what we’re afraid of, or ignoring it all together, that it grows into a larger, scarier beast (perhaps simply to get our attention). If I were to distill my fear, it really came down to the embarrassment of fainting or throwing up. By sharing my fear with Raul, he was empowered to help me and make some adjustments so that didn’t happen. So, if you have any fear or anxiety about having your blood drawn, be sure to share that information with the nurse or Phlebotomist, they’re actually extremely accommodating. After, you might notice that the only drawn out thing about a blood draw is you driving yourself crazy thinking about it. Similar to the rules that apply to those who have a difficult mother-in-law – acknowledge the fear, but you don’t have to invite it out to lunch and entertain it.
-Diana, BHED donor #4829
