Karl and Carl’s road to becoming parents was a roller coaster experience. They booked their first donor in late 2008 and it took a full year and a half, and three donors by the time everything was said and done, for their twin boys to make their debut. Throughout it all they remained positive, flexible and committed to making their dreams of parenthood a reality. A big CONGRATULATIONS from everybody here at BHED!
Posts Tagged ‘IVF’
New Beginnings
Thursday, June 3rd, 2010Becoming an egg donor was one of the easiest decisions I have ever made. From the moment I learned about egg donation, I was convinced that it was something that I wanted to do. Unfortunately, it was because of an awful experience that I discovered egg donation, but I’ve learned that often good things can come of tragedy. I had an abortion in May of 2009, and afterwards I started researching the possibility of being a surrogate mother to an individual or couple. It was then that I discovered egg donation and immediately committed to the idea. I didn’t even know it was a possibility until I stumbled across it in my research.
When I got pregnant, I was on birth control (Nuva Ring). The shock of the pregnancy was nothing compared to the horror of realizing that the man I was with at the time was not a very nice person. In the same week that I learned of my pregnancy, I learned that he was doing drugs when I was not around, and when I told him the news he became violent and angry. I ended the relationship and went home to live with my mother. When I made the decision to have an abortion I think I must have cried for two weeks, but I believe I made the best decision that I could have at the time. It is because of that horrible experience that I am so excited to donate to another individual or couple.
I’m now engaged to a wonderful guy, and I know that there will be a time when I welcome a pregnancy (even an unexpected one). I am so happy that I will be able to have a family with him someday, and it is important to me to be able to give that same chance to someone who is ready. Anyone going to such great lengths to start a family truly deserves to have that, and if I can help that happen I would be honored. In a small way I feel like I am giving back what I took away, even though I know that I can never undo or nullify the abortion. My primary motivation, however, is to help someone bring a child into the world. The whole process of egg donation and IVF is an extension of the miracle of creating life and I am grateful and happy to be able to lend myself to such an amazing purpose.
- BHED donor, Maggie #8228
Bonding
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010Below is our final topic in Brenda Fahn-Hardt’s series of discussions for Intended Parents. Thank you, Brenda, for all of your contributions over the past few weeks!
Will I Feel Bonded to My Child?
One fear that intended parents sometimes bring up is that they may not feel as connected or bonded to their child because they used an egg donor. I don’t think I have encountered any cases that substantiate this fear, but of course it is a valid concern. I tell intended parents that they may be more prepared to handle their child than parents who have biological children. Biological parents many times assume that they will understand their 
child, yet each child is unique and may or many not resemble their biological parents either. The key to parenting is to be attuned to who your child is. When you enter the world of parenthood, it is a daily challenge to let go of who you think your child “should” be and accept them for who they are. A daily lesson as a parent is to listen and accept your child for who he/she is. If you can do that there is no doubt that you will feel connected to your child.
Beverly Hills Egg Donation Staff Psychotherapist
Thoughts on Telling the Child
Thursday, May 20th, 2010In the latest installment of our five-part series for Intended Parents, Brenda shares her advice for how/when to share with a child that they were conceived with the help of an egg donor.
Do We Tell Our Child They Were Conceived Through Egg Donation?
All intended parents are confronted with the decision as to whether they should tell their child (and others) that they used a third-party to conceive their child. Parents usually come to a decision based on their own comfort level and feelings regarding using an egg donor or surrogate. Most experts agree that honesty is the best policy when it comes to informing your child. A good website that goes into more detail about how to talk to your children developmentally appropriate ways is www.donor-conception-network.org. The website has booklets entitled, “Telling and Talking”. These booklets offer informative advice on how to talk to your child at every stage. Before telling your child you want to assess 1) The child’s emotional and intellectual capacity to process the information and 2) The extent to which your family, culture or religion may be able to accept a child born through egg donation.
The decision to tell your child may be an easy one or one fraught with decision. Most experts agree that telling your child is the easier path to take. It is easier because there is no room for misconceptions or false information, which inevitably leads to feelings of betrayal or mistrust. It is also recommended to start giving some information at a relatively early age, from three to five years old. Again, the website mentioned above goes into thorough detail advising how to talk to children of all ages regarding their conception.
Beverly Hills Egg Donation Staff Psychotherapist
Meeting the Donor
Monday, May 17th, 2010Part 3 in Brenda Fahn-Hardt’s informal discussion for Intended Parents.
Meeting the Donor? There is No Right Choice.
At some point during the egg donor process most parents consider whether or not they should meet their egg donor. There is no right or wrong answer to this question. Each case is different and depends on the intentions and expectations of the intended parents. If their expectations seem reasonable and realistic, then meeting the egg donor can turn into a very positive experience. Most of the time intended parents want to be able to meet their donor so that they have the option of telling their child at a later date. Statistically, only about 20% of intended parents choose to meet their donor. If you intend to tell your child that they were conceived with an egg donor and you want to tell your child something about the donor, then meeting would likely be a positive experience. Many times parents to not have an interest in, or feel comfortable, meeting their donor, which of course should always be respected. Each situation is different.
Beverly Hills Egg Donation Staff Psychotherapist
An Informal Discussion on Psychological Issues for Intended Parents
Tuesday, May 11th, 2010
The following is the first in a series of postings from Beverly Hills Egg Donation staff psychotherapist, Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT. Brenda comes to us with years of experience working exclusively with donors and couples dealing with infertility issues. In this, and in posts to come, she will address some of the most common psychological and emotional issues that come up in her work with Intended Parents.
Intended parents usually come to infertility services after spending years on an emotional roller-coaster. There are several emotional and psychological issues that intended parents typically encounter during this process. The ones that I encounter most in my practice are 1) Dealing with the grief of not being able to conceive your own biological child 2) The anxiety associated with choosing a donor 3) Deciding whether to meet the donor during the process 4) Fears of not being bonded or connected to your child and 4) Deciding if, when and how to reveal to your child that an egg donor was used in their conception.
Grieving
The journey to the infertility option can be arduous for most couples. The realization that you are unable to conceive without the assistance of a third party can be internalized in numerous ways – the most common emotions are feelings of failure, inadequacy, humility and anger. When couples arrive at an infertility office, frequently they have not dealt with the trauma and pain that usually exists. I always encourage couples to experience their unresolved grief before getting too far down the road in the process. However, in many instances, because couples have been waiting years to conceive a child, they often feel compelled to jump into the next stage without processing their feelings. It is common for couples to get caught up in the frenzy of doctor’s offices, tests, shots and drugs while neglecting to take a step back and let oneself absorb and process the grief.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote the classic treatise on dealing with grief. In her seminal work, she identifies the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In a perfect world, an individual would experience these stages sequentially. Yet, each of us approaches life’s complications in our own way. The process becomes inherently more complicated when dealing with two individuals simultaneously, given the complicated dynamics of relationships in general. It takes an enormous amount of patience and understanding to respect and understand your partner’s process. Therefor I encourage couples to attend support groups and couple’s therapy to assist them through the grieving process.
The goal in the last stage of the grief process is acceptance. Acceptance can take on different outcomes for different couples (or single parents). The one constant is the reality that one is unable to conceive his/her own biological child. When one comes to this acceptance, there are different paths from which to choose – using an egg donor and/or surrogate, adopting a child or choosing not to have a child. Whichever path is chosen, you want to be confident about your decision and optimistic about your future.
- Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT
Update from Valerie and Adam
Wednesday, April 14th, 2010Last year, we posted this happy news from recent recipients, Valerie and Adam:
I went to FPNC today at 9:00AM for the first ultrasound, and Dr. Abusief showed me on the TV screen that there are two babies growing, each with a nice heartbeat and a “diamond ring” which means something like the cells are growing very well. When she started, she immediately said that she could see “two sacks,” but I had no idea what that meant. Then, she spent five minutes showing me the heartbeat in one of the sacks but wasn’t able to find the heartbeat in the other. This was a touch five minutes, with her saying things like, “this is normal…sometimes it just takes some time for the other one to start growing…” Then, Dr. Abusief finally was able to see the other heartbeat, and we all saw it really clearly. It had been over at one side. Dr. Abusief was very happy with everything she saw and said that the risk now of a “problem” is down to 15%. We’ll go back in two weeks for another ultrasound, and will know at that point if Baby A and Baby B are boys, girls, or one of each.
I’ve got a print-out of photos of both Baby A and Baby B.
I am so happy!!! I cried until my makeup ran down my face and I had to get back to work.
Thanks everyone for your help and support, especially to Lisa and Ellie from Beverly Hills Egg Donation for being such great advocates for us.
This has been a long and miserable journey for Adam and me, and hopefully we’ll now have the joy of parenthood.
-Valerie
Well, we are SO pleased to announce that the twins have arrived! Happy, healthy and oh-so-cute, Hermione and Dashiell were born in September….
Congratulations!!!!
Why a Backup Donor is a Good Idea
Thursday, February 25th, 2010You’ve been searching for weeks for your ideal egg donor candidate, taking into consideration physical characteristics, fertility history, family health and educational achievements. You’ve ranked your favorites, narrowed them down, slept on it and now that you’ve found your perfect match and are ready to book her, you can breathe a big sigh of relief and know that your search is finally behind you.
Right?
Not quite. Despite the best of intentions, something will go wrong in 25%-30% of all egg donor cycles and most, if not all of these issues cannot be predicted in advance. Beverly Hills Egg Donation has an extensive in-house screening process and a team of donor reps who work diligently to ensure that our selection of donors is the strongest that it can be, but there is always the potential for surprises once a cycle gets underway. As is the nature of working with a young woman in her early to mid- twenties, your donor will be having medical testing for a number of things that, if not for this donation, she likely would never have been tested for at her age. There are also occasionally unforeseen issues that come up in the psychological testing, genetic counseling, or during the legal process. In fact, this is why we utilize these professionals in the first place – to protect you and ensure that you have the best chance possible at a successful outcome once the medication phase of the cycle begins. While our personal screening process is an initial review, we employ others to help uncover any health/genetic problems that may otherwise have gone undetected and confirm that your donor is psychologically prepared to donate.
This is why, no matter how perfect your donor may seem, we always recommend that you select a backup option before going forward with your cycle. We have many repeat donors available (which lessens the possibility that something unexpected will come up to deter or derail your cycle), but even then if something goes wrong and you have a backup choice, our cycle coordinator will be able to help you move seamlessly onto that donor without using any momentum. There is also no additional agency fee to switch donors; your full fee will be applied to the subsequent cycle.
Ideally, your cycle will be completed smoothly and without a hitch. However, one of the best things that you can do to make your experience with egg donation as successful as possible is to remain flexible and be prepared for the unexpected – which includes having a backup donor in mind before you book your perfect match.
Newest BHED Babies!
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010These two GORGEOUS little girls were born, via a gestational surrogate, to clients Dave and John.
Congratulations, guys!!!
The Not-So Drawn Out Blood Draw
Wednesday, January 20th, 2010The post below comes to us from Diana, a two-time previous donor who is also a staff member at Beverly Hills Egg Donation. To read her first entry, dealing with overcoming her anxiety about self-injections, click here.
Now, let’s get on to the business of having blood drawn during your cycle. Sure, I recently discovered it’s a piece of cake to have a needle in my skin for a second during an injection, but what about a needle being nestled into my vein for more than a minute as my precious life force is drained from my body into a cold heartless vial? This would be tricky. For those of you who hate having blood drawn, you are not alone. I was the girl who broke into a cold sweat, literally soaking my shirt the minute I sat in the strange school-desk chair, oddly appropriate as I would often be having an internal fit reminiscent of a 2nd grader, and was handed that ball to squeeze. I hadn’t had blood taken in so long (and hardly remember the last go around after having fainted). They call my name. I walk over to what is referred to as the (ahem, cough, swallow) “Blood Station” with my iPod earphones in.
My deer in the headlights look is greeted by the kindest pair of eyes I’ve ever seen. These eyes belong to Raul, the Phlebotomist. He seems to notice my unease, perhaps my clenched fists and general lack of breathing or blinking, and says “I take it you’re not a fan of having your blood drawn?” To which I say “Not a fan at all, maybe even a heckler” as a strange trail of nervous giggles leaks out of my clenched jaw. I try to make jokes when I’m nervous, also to downplay how incredibly frightened I am, they’re also usually really horrible jokes as demonstrated. But for some reason, Raul’s warm presence had me feel it was okay to just come clean, “I’m actually terrified of having my blood drawn. In fact, it’s the only thing I’m afraid of. Some people fear car accidents, life failure, earthquakes. I fear sitting in that chair. I usually pass out or vomit either before, during or after having my blood drawn. In fact, I’ve avoided doing it for several years because I’m always so embarrassed by my fainting or throwing up.” Wow, thanks for the biopic, Barbara Walters. Raul is not at all put off by this, in fact, he appears to find this honesty refreshingly charming (this is what I tell myself after feeling like I just shared some sort of Judy Blume confessional diary entry). He’s not looking at me like the high-maintenance mess that’s about to make his job a huge pain. He puts his hand on my shoulder and says, “I’m really good, you won’t feel a thing. Let’s have you lie down.” I lay down and already feel 100 times better than I usually did in the chair. I say, “Raul, I’m going to turn my music up really loud while you do this.” He smiles and says, “No problem, do what you have to do.” I turn on my music and the next thing I know Raul is telling me it’s over. I couldn’t believe it. I sat up and almost cried. ”You’re the best Raul! The best! You’re the fastest blood-taker in the west! You’re a blood-taking ninja!” Raul was laughing, I was laughing. It was a regular feel good Who’s the Boss episode where Raul lovingly pats me on the head and calls me “Saman-ta”.
So what made this go-around so different than previous blood draws? Quite simply, being open and honest with the Phlebotomist about my fear. For so long I had tried to”hide” it, as I was painfully embarrassed that a woman my age couldn’t handle what, in the grand scheme of things, is such a simple thing to do. Come to think of it, after voicing my fear, I immediately had a sense of relief. That seems to be true for most things in life, I suppose. We often make ourselves so uncomfortable trying to cover up what we’re afraid of, or ignoring it all together, that it grows into a larger, scarier beast (perhaps simply to get our attention). If I were to distill my fear, it really came down to the embarrassment of fainting or throwing up. By sharing my fear with Raul, he was empowered to help me and make some adjustments so that didn’t happen. So, if you have any fear or anxiety about having your blood drawn, be sure to share that information with the nurse or Phlebotomist, they’re actually extremely accommodating. After, you might notice that the only drawn out thing about a blood draw is you driving yourself crazy thinking about it. Similar to the rules that apply to those who have a difficult mother-in-law – acknowledge the fear, but you don’t have to invite it out to lunch and entertain it.
-Diana, BHED donor #4829
